April 6, 2021 Phyllis Hillwig Current Events

Secrets to Raising Resilient Children

Imagine this scenario: Your child comes home one day and says, “I’m DONE! I can’t:

deal with this class anymore. It’s too hard and I’m not treated fairly.
play for this team anymore. I’m constantly worried that I’m not good enough.

Which parent are you?

Parent A
Tell me why you think the teacher doesn’t treat you fairly. I’ll talk to the teacher.
Don’t worry, we will get you out of it.

Parent B
It’s a hard situation. Figure it out.
We signed up for the team. You need to go.

Clearly, there are a million other reactions parents could have and there are plenty of details and shades of gray missing. However, these parenting styles are two that represent very different philosophies. As parents, we are our children’s greatest supporters. Which parenting style would make them more independent, resilient, successful, and ultimately happier in the long run?

Before we answer that question, let’s look at another set of data. Chances are, if you have children or know someone who does, it would not surprise you to learn that one out of five children have clinical levels of anxiety and anxiety is the leading mental disorder in children. This is seen across the country in young adults. In 2018, the Journal of Depression and Anxiety reported that an alarming amount of college students suffer from anxiety and that mental health is a major concern on college campuses. Students seek mental help because they can’t handle tough situations – a poor grade, a bad roommate, or a difficult transition. According to an American College Health Association survey, more than 63,000 students at 92 schools found that 61% felt overwhelming anxiety and 40% said they were too depressed to function. College counseling offices are simply not equipped to handle this level of volume. This data point validated a conversation I had a few years ago with a friend of mine who happens to be the president of West Virginia Wesleyan College. He told me that he was heading to a conference for presidents of colleges. I asked, “So, what will you talk about, how to increase endowments?” He said no, all the presidents want to talk about the mental health crisis happening across all universities. I was shocked.

When students cannot handle the stresses of a semi-controlled environment such as college, how are we preparing them for the world of work- when they have to compete globally and with many who choose not to retire because they can’t afford to?

The broader trend tells us that young people who have had limited exposure to adversities, minor and major, are not able to cope as easily because they were never challenged enough to test their abilities to overcome tough situations. Could it be that the adults in their lives with the best intentions would quickly work to remove any pains or discomfort and therefore limit the experience to cope with the natural disappointments that come with life experiences? As a parent and an educator, it is much harder to let our children struggle. But by giving them temporary happiness or relief all the time, we may be setting them up for a lifetime of disappointments.

I grew up with parents in the B group. It was never the teacher’s fault – period. I had to learn to adjust to the teacher’s ways of doing things and manage to be successful with the class parameters. It didn’t matter what those parameters were.

Whatever team I was on, it was on me to get better and try to figure out how to earn the respect of the coach. It didn’t matter if the coach was good or bad. That fact was irrelevant.

Sure, we could argue about fighting back and fairness, but at the end of the day, some of the best things you can do for your children is to let them figure it out and let them struggle because if you are constantly fixing things for them, they will never learn to do things on their own. Obviously there will be a point when you will need to step in, and you can guide, but most of the time, with space, your children will learn – from their choices, that they CAN overcome something great through that struggle.

So, if you don’t want to raise anxious kids, here’s what research says:

DOs

Praise children for independent behavior and self advocating.
Help them manage situations that bring anxiety, do not avoid it.
Help them learn that they cannot control what happens to them, but they can use it to learn something valuable.
Let them make the choice, struggle, and even fail. They will become more resilient and learn a lot.
Respect their fears and feelings about something they don’t want to do, but still encourage them to try and give them the coping skills they need.

DON’Ts

Do things for them that they can do themselves.
Run away and avoid things that evoke anxiety. Rather, help them learn to manage through it.
Take away their autonomy to make good and sometimes bad choices.
Put your anxiety on them. “I know you are worried about your big test.” “You won’t do well with this, let’s try something else.”
Limit your children because you fear that they will fail.

At Eurekii, we work with kids who have plenty of anxiety, especially when it comes to math. How we translate this in our work may surprise you. We let them struggle. We give them tough puzzles and word problems to solve. We put them in front of a whiteboard and ask them to explain their work in front of random people. At first, it is not always fun or comfortable. But so many kids love the feeling of accomplishment after they are able to tackle those difficult questions – and they learn incredible confidence to then tackle any problem, no matter how hard.

Because I’m Asian, some people ask if I believe in the “Tiger Mom’” philosophies. They are referring to a book written by Amy Chua, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom, where she takes the Parent B scenario to the extreme. Her argument is that nothing is fun until you get good at something. No one is born playing the piano. You have to practice, struggle, and work at anything to be good at it. If you want your children to be ready for the future, teach them to work hard and not give up easily. Fight through the anxieties of performance, of fear of failure, the unfair circumstances that come along the way, and ultimately, take pride that you were able to navigate through them all.

“Smooth Seas Do Not Make Skillful Sailors”
– African Proverb

In the end, I ask you to reflect on your own life experiences. Think about one time when you had the greatest fear and anxiety – making an important decision, a loss of a job, becoming a new parent – and how much you have grown because you have overcome those fears and anxieties. If someone were to take all those challenges away, would you have grown as much as a person?